


Secretly

by Lisafer



Category: Protector of the Small - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Double Drabbles, F/M, May-December Romance, Romance, Secret Relationship, birthday fic, cougars (animal), journeycat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-19
Updated: 2010-09-19
Packaged: 2017-10-12 00:18:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/118738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisafer/pseuds/Lisafer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written as a birthday present for journeycat, who loves this pairing more than anyone I know.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Secretly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Journeycat](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Journeycat).



> Written as a birthday present for journeycat, who loves this pairing more than anyone I know.

"I'm a little confused," Kel admitted, upon greeting New Hope's newest guest. "You do realize that this is a war-zone, right?"

Lindhall smiled, his blue eyes earnest. "The treaty was signed one month past."

"Yes," she acknowledged, leading him into her headquarters. "And Scanran raiders are independent of their king. We usually don't go a week or two without some kind of scuffle; it's not pretty. Yet you still want to go exploring out there?"

"You've had more reports of interactions with catamounts than any other place I've heard of. Numair told me this would be the ideal place to begin my newest bout of research."

"Numair likely told you to wait until the raiders have stopped, too, didn't he?"

Lindhall set his leather messenger's bag on her desk and began removing papers. "Your reports are incredibly meticulous, Keladry, and I think I should commence my research by asking you some questions about the last sighting."

She sat down with a sigh and motioned for him to do so as well. She remembered him from her page-days, and knew that once he was centered on a subject, he would be enthusiastic and focused until something equally interesting caught his mind.

***

"I still don't understand why you didn't have the Wildmage help you with this project. She understands animals better than anyone, and could join them," Kel said as they stood on the New Hope walls, spyglasses in hand.

"I love and respect Daine and her work very much," Lindhall began, speaking quickly. "But she alters the minds of the creatures she interacts with. If I want to see an animal's most natural behavior, I have to study a group that hasn't been affected by her. And that gets more and more challenging as she travels." He grimaced and rushed on. "Please don't consider this to be a complaint about her in anyway. It's a matter of the purest form of naturalist research possible. If she could do it without rearranging their thoughts – organizing them – the littlest bit, I would be asking for her help more often than the king does.

"Is it only to the north of New Hope that the catamount has been sighted, or all around the vicinity?"

Kel grinned. "I've seen them only to the north, but Merric's squad spooked one about a mile south of here, while they were on patrol."

"Can I join the patrol?"

***

"You're not letting him come out with us, Kel," Merric said over their quick midday meal.

"Why not?"

"I have soldiers. Soldiers who are trained to fight, should something come up. We don't need a man who can barely ride stopping to take notes every five yards."

"Then I'll take him out on my own to the various locations that the cat has been sighted," she said stubbornly. "With only a small group of soldiers for protection."

"I don't even understand why he's here. Can't this research be done another time?"

Kel chewed slowly, formulating her response. When she finally swallowed, and Merric had almost given up on hearing a response. "It's because of Daine. Her powers change animals – you remember what it was like at the palace, like the day we had that brawl in the barn and the horses saved us? Her presence, her thoughts, often alter the way a creature thinks. So it's imperative that he studies them now, in case something brings them into contact with the Wildmage."

"Imperative?" Merric repeated, eyebrows raised. "Speaking of altering minds by spending too much time with someone…"

She rose from her seat, smacking the back of his head playfully.

***

"I'd heard rumors that you travel with a menagerie, Kel," he said, his voice breathy. He kneeled down to scratch behind Jump's ear.

"The birds come and go as they please," Kel said, not mentioning that there was far more coming than going these days. "But Jump, Peachblossom and Hoshi… they're as much family as Neal or Merric."

"Sometimes our animal companions are the best home away from home." Several of the sparrows landed on his shoulders, making him smile like a delighted child. "Even if we're away from most of our loved ones, we can find the unconditional love from friends like these that make everything a little easier."

"I see you didn't bring Bonedancer with you. Any reason?"

"He likes being around the palace; there are more chances for intrigue. He's a rather nosy little fellow, you might've noticed. Besides – it's probably irrational, but I didn't want him traveling with me during war. I don't know if a necromanced skeleton can take damage the way a live creature can. I would hate for him to lose the strange sort of life he's been given."

"You like to protect the things you care about?"

"Just like you, I'm told."

***

"Tell me about the catamount," Kel said as they rode together.

"It's known by lots of names, including 'screamer' and 'mountain beast'," he informed her. "It's been spotted throughout the Eastern lands – and as far southward as Carthak – but as we grow and develop, we affect its habitat. It's an obligate carnivore; while it's bad enough to have bears and wolves fighting it for food, imagine how much worse it becomes when humans come into its world and hunt its prey."

"Its preferred food?"

"The standard ungulate creatures that its rivals eat – deer, elk, sheep, moose. If farmers have moved into the vicinity, they might eat their livestock."

"If they're eating domesticated creatures, why have there been so few sightings? Why study them now?" Kel wasn't aware of many animals that were still unknown in Tortall.

"Part of it is that there haven't been many in the region. At least, not before I moved to Carthak years ago. Another aspect of the catamount is its solitary nature. Their lives are very secret. Other than their mating calls, it's possible to live in this part of the world and never see one, even though you will assuredly come across their tracks."

***

They were following catamount tracks for more than an hour when Lindhall jumped down from his mount, his long legs and arms barely coordinated enough to do so successfully. He kneeled down on the ground next to a dung heap. Rummaging through his bag, he found a pair of gloves and put them on before he touched the pile.

Kel slid off Hoshi and crouched next to him. "This is part of your work?"

"It's fresh," he said. "Maybe only a few hours old." He sifted through the waste, expression determined. "By studying the excrescence we can determine the cat's diet. Obviously we know the generalities of what they might eat, but this will show us specifics. Can you take a glass jar from my bag? I was overexcited and put my gloves on too soon."

Smiling, Kel retrieved and opened one of the small specimen jars. "You really love your work, don't you, Master Lindhall?"

"Just call me Lindhall," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "And yes, I love my research more than anything else. Isn't that how you feel, when you're protecting the world?"

She nodded. "Nothing feels better to me – especially when I'm fighting for what's right."

***

"This office is a wreck," Neal complained, moving a stack of papers from a chair and placing it on Kel's desk. "How long is Master Lindhall staying?"

Kel shrugged. "As long as he needs to, I suppose."

"He'll probably get distracted in a few weeks; watch him race off to the Copper Isles and find some other animal to study."

Kel was uncomfortable with the overwhelming disappointment she felt with that notion. She liked the time she spent with Lindhall, escorting him around the camp. She didn't even mind sharing her office with him, as scattered and cluttered as he was.

"Am I interrupting important refugee camp business?"

She looked up to find him standing in the doorway, specimen jars in hand. "Not at all. We had to move some of your things…"

He brushed it off with a wave of his hand. "I used my Gift to break down the excrescence and it shows that this particular catamount ate quite a lot of elk."

"You're carrying around cat feces?" Neal asked, horrified.

Lindhall nodded, completely missing Neal's revulsion. "I just need my papers so I can document it. Will you be able to join me for more tracking tomorrow?"

***

"I like having you here, Master Lindhall."

"And I've asked you, please just call me Lindhall. My days of being a Master of the Carthaki University are long over."

"It will take some getting used to," she admitted, peering up at him. She liked that he was four inches taller than her. "Was it difficult to come back north after so many years in Carthak?"

"I'm sure it was easier than coming back to Tortall from the Yamani Islands. I was fourteen when I left Tortall, whereas you were barely more than a toddler, from what I've heard."

"It's true," she said. "There were times I felt like I was a stranger in my own homeland."

"That's how I felt at first. I had Numair, at least – everything's easier with a friend." He grinned down at her, somehow managing to look boyish, despite being so much older than her. "Did you know that some large cats – like the cheetahs in Carthak – form bachelor groups? Female cheetahs are solitary creatures, but males form groups for their own protection from other predators, and to help each other with the hunt."

"I suppose all of us can use assistance from time to time."

***

At dusk, everyone in New Hope heard high-pitched screams beyond the wall. The sound sent shivers down Kel's spine, but Lindhall perked up. "That's the mating cry," he announced.

Neal, who walked the perimeter wall with them, shuddered. "What could be attracted to a sound like that?"

"Other catamounts," Kel replied dryly.

"Dusk and dawn are when they're most active," Lindhall said, ignoring their jest. "If I'm here long enough, I might even be able to track the female back to her den, and see if any cubs are born." He brushed his long hair out of his face. "Assuming I'm free to stay that long, of course. Their gestation period is three months."

"You're more than welcome to stay, so long as you're content with the work and the accommodations."

"I'm not content with the work or accommodations," Neal said. "Does that mean I'm free to leave, O Lady Knight?"

"There's a cook with a nasty burn who would disagree with your departure." She stuck her tongue out at him.

Lindhall barely listened to their banter; it wasn't that he was tuning them out – he was just more interested in the sounds on the opposite side of the wall.

***

"You've been holed up all day," Kel said, bringing Lindhall a cup of tea.

"Do you need your office?" He frowned as he looked up at her. "I'm sorry, I've rushed in here and practically pushed you out because you're so accommodating."

She sat down opposite her own desk. "No, it's not a problem at all," she assured him. "My clerks will tell you that I prefer to work outside my office. I just wondered if you were tiring of all this writing."

"I'm a scholar, Kel. Reading and writing are my passions."

"Along with exploring and studying new animals and plants."

"Well, yes, there's always that." He smiled, and it sent a surprising wave of pleasure through her.

"Sir, have you ever thought…" Kel halted awkwardly. She had never pursued her fleeting interests in men before, and this wasn't the time to start.

"Thought what?" He turned back to his charts, making quick marks in columns.

"Thought that maybe the screams we've heard over the last few nights were from different cats?" she asked.

"One would expect two to be involved in this nocturnal courtship, but there could be more."

 _Two would be a nice start_ , she thought glumly.

***

She was just a child, he told himself every time her hazel eyes made his chest tighten. He could recall easily the day he met her, when she was just a girl of ten years old. She was young enough to be his own child, had he ever considered settling down with a wife and family.

But there was something indescribable in her smile, the way the corners of her mouth turned upward, that made him want to yank her into his arms and kiss her – just once, to see what her lips would taste like.

There was no such thing as one kiss, in his experience. One kiss in his mind led to more, which usually ended papers scattered or shoved to the floor as he leaned her across her own desk, learning everything he could about her body.

He shook his head, willing the mental image out of his mind. He was here for work, after all, not mooning over a girl who was over thirty years his junior. If he could focus on the catamount, and not on Kel's full lips and long eyelashes, this experience could be a success. Kel would never even have to know.

***

They had been following tracks for almost two hours, and the midday sun was getting the better of Kel. It was only spring. As much as she liked chasing after the ghost of a catamount, she hoped that this wouldn't stretch into the summer.

"The tracks follow the tree-line," Lindhall said, his voice low. He led her into the forested lands beyond New Hope's farmlands, creeping cautiously. Kel tread behind him as quietly as she could manage. He halted abruptly and she slammed into him. "See that outcropping of rocks?" he whispered, gesturing to a cliff wall a hundred yards ahead. "They like to use natural geographical features like that for protection when choosing their dens."

They followed the paw-prints, and Kel felt Lindhall's magic surround them. He was masking their noise and making them less visible. When they neared the cliff, he paused. He was using his magic to detect life, he told her.

"There are four of them inside," he whispered, and she smiled. "We did it - we found a mother and her cubs!" He tugged her into his arms, kissing her fiercely on the mouth. She returned it in kind, winding her arms around his neck.

***

They seemed to kiss for a lifetime, to Kel's reckoning, and her knees felt weak. But when they finally broke apart, Lindhall's tanned cheeks were flushed. "I shouldn't have let myself get carried away with excitement," he said, looking away from her. "I should be working, not taking advantage of a woman so young."

Kel searched for words, but found none. They instead continued toward the den. He whispered something, and his grey Gift – the color of fog, she thought – appeared over a small area by the rock wall. "What are you doing?"

"Putting them in a deep slumber. Anesthetizing them, so I can study them without too much disturbance."

"Disturbance for you, or for them?"

"Yes."

They approached the den to find a sleeping mother with three nearly-grown cubs. Lindhall explained that they were still juveniles, denoted by the dark spots on their flanks. "They stay with their mothers for roughly two years."

"And once they've left? They're adults then?" she asked pointedly.

"Mmm-hmmm."

She did not point out that she was no longer at her mother's side. It wouldn't do to discuss such things when he was busy measuring their skull sizes, or examining their teeth and claws.

***

The long walk back to the horses – tethered, and watched by Tobe – was awkward. Lindhall chattered breathily about the day's discoveries while Kel nodded absently, wishing she were somewhere else altogether. It took a moment for her to realize that he'd asked her a question.

"What?" she asked, stopping short.

"I asked if you would be willing to come back in two days, to determine cubs' weight again – look for growth trends and such."

"If I can, I'd like that." They could both hear the reservation in her voice.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I shouldn't have—"

"It's all right," Kel cut him off. "No, it's _not_ all right. I like you a lot, Lindhall, and I wouldn't care if you were older than my Lord Wyldon, I would _still_ like you." Her face grew warm, speaking so boldly.

He sighed heavily. "Kel, I _am_ older than Lord Wyldon."

She blinked up at him momentarily, surprised. "And I said I would still like you." Leaning onto the balls of her feet, she pressed her lips against his again.

"I'm not good at relationships," he said gently, when the kiss was broken.

"Neither am I," Kel admitted. "Can't we try?"

***

First kisses weren't unknown to him; his life had been full of quick liaisons, frenzied copulation upon finding a kindred soul. He was never good at the long-term companionship of an amalgamation. It wasn't about monogamy, it was about loving his work. Who could focus so much on caring for another person when there was so much left to ascertain in the natural world?

But every so often, a person came into his life who made him want to try. Keladry of Mindelan, with her calm ways, her natural curiosity and – Mithros bless her – a genuine love of all animals, managed to lodge herself in his mind. Maybe his heart.

When he gave into temptation and kissed her, and when they went back to his rooms and did a fair bit more than kissing, he realized that this kind of companionship was something he missed. He wanted to show her all the ways two people could be united. He wanted to give in to every animalistic tendency he had, and explore every curiosity he'd ever known.

But when she gasped when his hands brushed against her pelvic bone, he could think only that he was likely defiling an innocent creature.

***

"Is it dangerous to put animals to sleep like this?" Kel asked, propping up one catamount's paw, so Lindhall could measure it.

"It can be; I have to be careful of how much of my Gift infuses them – it could kill them." He jotted down a number and then used a knotted cord to check the width of the paw. "But I've been studying creatures for years; I know the signs to look for.

"This is strange," he continued, frowning as he looked over the sleeping cats. "None of them have the four-inch paws that match the prints we saw outside the den."

"Maybe it was the suitor's prints?" Kel suggested.

"I didn't think they would mate so near the den – not if there are young."

"What do you know of their mating, other than their screams?"

"I can only surmise based on what I know other large cats. Some scholars felt the catamount was monogamous, but other cats' trends indicate that polyandry is likely."

"This one's purring," Kel said, nodding toward a juvenile. "I didn't know many large cats purred."

"Cheetahs do," Lindhall replied, "but this sounds more like a house-cat's purrs." He smiled, tickled by the cat's happiness.

***

He had never met someone who cared so much for people or animals as Keladry did. It was refreshing, to say the least. She mucked stables, she did latrine duty – she did everything she asked of others and more.

Sometimes it was hard to see the little girl he'd first met, in his second year of teaching pages. Then she would wear her fiercest, most determined expressions, and he'd recall the bruises she'd sported in attempts to stop hazing – so the rumors said. The girl had been amazing, but the woman was astounding.

Life could've been different in Carthak, with a woman like Keladry of Mindelan to help. His underground operations to run slaves out of the country would've been easier, with her assistance. She was clever and she was wise – two attributes he rarely found together in Ozorne's court.

And would he have ached for companionship, had Kel been in Carthak? Or would they – in a different time, a different place, with not so large an age gap – find solace in each other? Find mutual respect in the love they shared for people and animals they wanted to protect?

He would never know, but the possibilities made him smile.

***

It felt like her body was being ripped in two, but she didn't want to stop. She kissed him fiercely, hoping that his closed eyes would give her the chance to blink away the hot tears in hers.

"Are you in too much pain?" he asked, his voice even breathier than usual. "We could stop. This is too much."

Kel shook her head. "We can continue," she whispered. She hadn't told him she was still a virgin, given all his hesitancy about her comparative youth. But now, with this reaction, he had to know.

He was gentle with her, though, slowly demonstrating to her all the reasons the world was obsessed with lovers and sex. She thought nothing could be more pleasurable than the things Lindhall managed with fingers and tongue, but this was enough to drive her mad. She clenched the bed sheet in her fists and bit down on her lower lip, to refrain from crying out. Too many people had rooms nearby, and somewhere in the back of her mind she couldn't stop thinking that people needed her.

 _Hang the people who need me_ , she thought. _I need_ this.

She did cry out, finally, in sheer ecstasy.

***

"It's better if we don't tell anyone," Kel said, when all was said and done. She idly traced a path down the inside of his arm with the tips of her fingers. He seemed to like the feather-light touch.

"May I ask why?" He didn't sound hurt or confused, just curious.

"It's difficult for women to be in command. People assume a girl has gone soft because she's taken a lover."

"So I'm your lover, then?" The corners of his eyes crinkled with his smile.

"Unless you'd like to never do that again, of course."

He laughed, and she loved the sound of it. "I was wondering when it could happen again, actually," he said, propping himself up on one elbow so he could gaze down at her. "What did you think of the experience?"

She flushed. It was silly to be embarrassed, given their newfound knowledge of each other's bodies, and the intimacy they had shared. "I didn't realize what I was missing out on."

"And now that you have?" His question wasn't cold, exactly, but it reminded her of his interview regarding the catamount.

"I intend to make up for lost time."

He kissed her forehead sweetly. "Good."

***

"They're secretive animals," she told Neal at breakfast. He stared blearily into his porridge, saying nothing. "Lindhall says that they're the most private of all the known felines."

"You're still going on about these cats?" Merric asked, sitting down next to her. "Don't you have more important things to think about?"

"Are you suggesting that I've shirked my duties?" Kel asked, raising her eyebrows.

"No, you've been doing a bang-up job," he said. "It's just that you're becoming as obsessed as Master Lindhall is. Let me guess – right now he's in your office, jotting down notes and making charts of the animal's territorial range."

Actually, she knew he was in his room reading, since she had just come from there for breakfast. "You can't make fun of a person for doing the job he traveled halfway across the country to do."

Neal blinked. "Tobe was looking for you," he said, oblivious of the conversation. "You weren't doing your glaive exercises today, though you were up early enough."

"I was doing other things." Kel shrugged and shoveled a spoonful of porridge into her mouth. She wasn't bad at lying, but she didn't want to do it if she didn't have to.

***

"Local farmers have been killing these beasts for years. They go after our livestock!"

"You can't blame us for protecting our good!" another refugee yelled.

Kel was surprised to see Lindhall surrounded by angry men; he was flustered and frustrated, she could tell by his expression, but also determined.

"Catamounts are responsible for the deaths of very few of your farm animals," he replied, his voice shaking. "And very rarely in the kinds of slaughters you insist upon. Only when one is teaching her young to kill do we find multiple deaths, and that's a rarity."

"Says the man who travels up here to study 'em," a large man growled. "Those of us who've spent our lives in the north know that the best protection money can buy isn't enough to stop the screamers from killing."

"And they scream right before a kill, terrifying those creatures they don't eat!"

"That's not true," Kel interjected coolly. The men surveyed her warily; they liked her well enough as the camp leader, but less when she butted into the lives they knew better. "The catamount's scream is a mating cry, nothing more."

Lindhall nodded gratefully. "Can we please try to discuss this rationally?"

***

"Your people aren't going to thank you for that," Lindhall murmured as he lightly ran his fingers down the length of her bare torso. "They want you to take up their case no matter what."

"I'm here to keep them safe, not be their advocate in discussions about wildlife. Did they like your idea of setting up traps and contacting you or your associates instead of killing?"

"No. But some said it was worth a try."

"You don't think it will work, do you?"

"Kel, I've seen enough wildlife destroyed to know that people think of people first." He kissed her before continuing. "One of the things I love the most about you is that you understand. You know that people are animals, too."

"You love things about me?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"I love _you_ ," he replied. He tweaked her nose playfully.

No one had ever confessed love to her before, and she wasn't sure how to take it. "I don't know if I love you," she told him, "but I hope I do soon, if not already."

"Do I get to try to convince you?"

"Of course." She grinned at him, liking the mischievous expression on his face.

***

"Did you know that many animals are secretive about their mating?" He was still gentle when they made love, and the room was filled with whispers and faint gasps, as well as the scents of sweat and sex.

"Not just their nestlings?" she asked, closing her eyes and clenching one hand in the other behind his neck. She had been surprised that he liked to talk so much – to _teach_ her – during their private times together.

"Some will choose their mating grounds carefully, finding terrain that competitors will find difficult to reach. So there's less chance of their mate finding a new partner."

She laughed breathlessly. "Is that what we're doing?"

He shuddered violently against her, and was silent for a long moment. "If I told others how I felt, they might be encouraged to snatch you for themselves."

"And you think I would go off with them?"

He shook his head, his expression solemn. "No, I don't. But you can understand why I wouldn't want to risk it, all the same."

"You're a very silly man sometimes," Kel said. "Will you stay here tonight?"

"I wouldn't dream of going anywhere else," he replied, his voice deliciously low and raspy.

***

"My research is going to come to a conclusion, you know. And the king's permission to be here won't extend beyond that time."

"Do we have to think about that right now?" She asked, sifting through the reports sent from Mastiff.

"Avoiding it isn't going to change it." He put more tacks into the giant map he'd hung on one wall of her office, indicating various catamount sightings.

"I'd rather revel in the niceness of now."

"That's poetic."

She set her papers down and sighed. "I don't want you to go."

"I don't want to leave." Walking over to her desk, he sat upon it and took her hand in his. "But I have only a few more days of observation and then I must go home."

Standing, she kissed him soundly. She'd suffered worse, she knew, than the temporary loss of a lover. "I'll find you when the aftermath of this war is resolved."

"You'd better," he replied huskily before lowering his mouth to hers again.

"Kel, the patrol ran into six Scanran raid—Holy Mithros!"

They jumped apart and Kel turned to Merric, a flush creeping into her face. "Six raiders, you say?" she asked, her voice high-pitched.

***

"I'm thinking that I might travel outside of Tortall again, maybe leaving next spring."

"Back to Carthak?"

He shook his head. "There's nothing left there for me. I stayed in order to free slaves, but doing so under Emperor Kaddar isn't possible."

"I thought he agreed with your actions."

"Yes, but he also knows that freeing his slaves would lead to a staggering degree of political unrest that you could not imagine. He's doing it slowly, through law. And in support of his changes, I cannot bleed him of his citizens."

Kel recalled making distasteful compromises of that nature once – agreeing not to call Joren of Stone Mountain out on the courts in order to have laws changed to prevent his kind of crimes. "It reeks," she said flatly.

"It's not right, but it's all I can do," Lindhall told her.

"Where will you go, then?"

"The Yamani Islands. I'd like to study the macaques who spend their time in such cold climes, but take advantage of the natural hot springs."

"They make snowballs," Kel told him. "They roll up the balls of snow, but they don't throw them."

"They're far more civilized than we are, with our warring ways."

***

A bloodcurdling scream – the catamount, naturally – filled the night, and Kel wondered if she would ever hear things the same way again. Months ago the sound would've sent shivers down her spine, but it would have been a mixture of fear and trepidation. Now the scream made her think of the weeks she had spent studying the creatures with Lindhall, and everything that the study had led to.

And it was coming to an end all too soon.

"Copper for your thoughts," Neal said, standing at her side.

"Just thinking about the catamount, and all the things I know about it now," Kel lied smoothly.

"Are you sure you're not daydreaming about Master Lindhall?" His eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Merric told you, I suppose?"

"We have a pact to always share our gossip about you, Kel."

She snorted. "Of course."

"So, does it end when he leaves?"

"Maybe."

"Do you want it to?"

She didn't want to have this conversation; she wasn't like Neal, and couldn't wear her heart on her sleeve. With a sigh, she turned to face him completely. "Things change. Maybe it's better to move with the current instead of against it."

"Or try to improve your letter-writing."

***

They didn't speak of his travels again until he'd packed some of his belongings. "Would you consider traveling with me?" he asked.

"I have my duties here," Kel replied. "I'm at the king's mercy, and the district commander's."

"When the aftermath of war has settled down, I mean? I'll request a companion from the king, since I'm doing research that benefits the royal university or menagerie. Everyone knows the Yamani Islands are not safe for a non-combatant to travel alone."

"The emperor would likely prefer that you travel with one of his samurai," Kel pointed out.

"And I can pretend I don't speak any of their language. It's not much of a stretch, you know. You'd be the perfect bodyguard." He took her hands in his and kissed them sweetly before releasing them. "I could request you specifically."

The idea of roaming around the mountains and forests together, meeting Yamani naturalists, was fascinating to Kel. "I wouldn't want the king to know—" she gestured hopelessly between them. "I don't want an assignment that's a favor."

"You're quite determined to earn your way, aren't you?"

She flinched at the phrase, remembering the bullying endured by so many pages before her.

***

She loved the smooth planes of his back. There were no scars disrupting the movement of her hand as she slid them over his shoulder blades and down to the base of his spine. He wasn't a fighter – he said he had never been in so much as a schoolyard scuffle in all his life.

"Did you never learn to fight to defend your village?" Plenty of commoners had been through battles before.

"I was sent to the City of the Gods when I was eight," he replied, turning to face her. "They had war-mages and guards to do the fighting, if it was needed. And before my years of academia, I lived under a lord who refused to teach his villagers how to hold weapons for fear of revolt."

"I hate nobles like that."

Lindhall smiled wryly. "He was probably right; most of the people I know were muttering mutinous slurs on a regular basis."

"You still have the right to defend yourself and your land." Kel insisted.

He dropped a light kiss on her mouth, then kissed a path from there to her collarbone. "I can immobilize creatures, and even put them to sleep. I've never been helpless."

***

One of the cubs – barely even able to be called cubs anymore, really – was dead. Mangled, less than two hundred yards from their den.

If Kel was distraught, it was nothing compared to Lindhall. His friendly, easy smile was gone, replaced by lips pressed into a straight line. When he looked at Kel, he didn't have the distracted expression she was accustomed to – as though he had a hundred thoughts in his mind, and only a few were about her. No, his gaze was heavy and direct, and his expression was one of anguish.

He lifted the cub, examining the tears in his flesh. "It looks like it was a territorial dispute," he said finally, showing Kel where slashes in his skin had been made with claws and teeth. "No meat was taken." He closed his eyes, relief washing over his face. "No weapons. It wasn't people."

Kel had learned over time that humans were their most dangerous predator. She felt his relief, thought still crushed at the loss of such a promising cat. He'd been her favorite, with his sleek grayish coat.

But these things happened, she understood. She leaned her head against Lindhall's shoulder, trying not to cry.

***

Everything seemed different after the death of the cub. Their love-making was no less passionate, but was tinged with a quiet sorrow that frightened Kel. Coupled with the fact that he would be leaving in only a few days' time, the heaviness between them was unbearable.

"I don't want to leave you like this," he whispered, his lips cool on the hot flesh of her abdomen; he worked his way downward, and Kel lost herself in the delirium of touch, rather than thinking about his words or her own emotions. She clawed at her blankets and bit down hard on her lower lip – so hard that she could taste blood; it wasn't until long afterward that she realized that she had been crying.

"I'm so sorry," she told him; rolling onto her side, she turned her back to him.

"Don't be," he said, his voice whisper-soft. He laid his hand – a soft, scholar's hand – on her shoulder, but said no more. His presence was a comfort enough to her, and she suspected that he knew that. With time, his hand grew heavier and slid away from her body as he fell asleep.

"I hate goodbyes," she whispered into the darkness.

***

"Master Lindhall leaves tomorrow, don't he?" Tobe asked, while she helped him with his staff-work.

"Doesn't he," Kel corrected absently. "Yes, he does."

"You're going to miss him bunches."

Kel looked at him sharply.

"'Cause you two go riding together all the time," Tobe said casually - too casually. Kel knew he was old enough –and wise enough – to know about the goings on between adults. Children always knew more than grown-ups expected them to.

"I'll miss him a lot," Kel said. "But we're checking the catamounts' den today, so we'll have one last ride, at least."

"Isn't his work done?"

"If there's one thing I've learned about people like Lindhall, their work is never done because they love it so much."

"So he's like you, then?" Tobe's eyebrows raised in a manner that reminded her of Neal. "You seem to like your work so much that you never stop. Like when you chased everyone down in Scanra."

"That wasn't work, that was duty." Kel shook her head. "And don't bring up that Protector of the Small nonsense Irnai keeps going on about. I saved them because I cared."

"Just like Master Lindhall and his cats."

"Very much like that."

***

"They're almost adults – ready to go off on their own," Lindhall told Kel breathily, after putting the catamounts into a deep slumber for the last time. He weighed each one carefully, jotting down notes about the coloring. The spots on their flanks were almost completely faded.

"Mithros, Mynoss and Shakith!" he swore, studying the belly of the mother cat. "She's pregnant again." It made sense, given then repeated cries of mating. And even the juvenile that was killed earlier in the week – a new male would be threatened by the presence of another male in the region, even one so young.

He told Kel, and his heart leapt at the sight of her eyes lighting up with delight. "No," he whispered, when a guilty expression crossed her face. "These things happen, Kel. We should celebrate what's worth celebrating without any sense of remorse. She deserves it."

"You're right," she said at last. "Of course you're right. I don't know how you can do such work, bonding with animals only to lose them."

"It hurts more when they're killed by humans," he said. "This life of theirs is normal, in their world. I'm angry only when we hinder or harm them."

***

"I've written a letter to the university and the caretaker of the king's menagerie about my plans for my upcoming research," Lindall said as they fell back against the pillows. His voice was exceptionally breathy from their exhaustive lovemaking. "I'd still like you to join me, if it's possible."

"If it's possible," she repeated, nodding. She wasn't the kind of person to daydream about her future, but there was something exhilarating about imagining travels with Lindhall through the Yamani Islands. "I can't imagine what the day after tomorrow will be like, without you here."

"I know my day will be dreary without your smile," he whispered, pulling her impossibly tighter against his chest.

She couldn't help but smile; while Lindhall was far from the stoic knights she was accustomed to dealing with, he was usually too wrapped up in his thoughts to throw out sweet nothings. Her chest tightened at the thought of life without him. "I love you," she said, pushing a wisp of hair out of his eyes.

"You do?" His voice was tender. He gave her a kiss – long and sweet and full of so many unspoken feelings.

Kel broke the kiss, caressing his weathered cheek. "Secretly."


End file.
